Valentine's Weekend..

I've just discovered that time is not constant. It varies from place to place. In my college, it seems that we're 5 days late as compared to the rest of the world. Valentine's Day was on Saturday and we had a gathering which we call "Valetine's Social Night".
It wasn't the conventional Valentine's celebration. We had a a moblie disco brought in by some deejay from Nuvo ( I think) . Anyway, I didn't buy a ticket, so I didn't get to enter the hall which was turned into the dance floor. However, I did get to see many boys and girls walking and talking with each other, seemingly nonchalant to everything else in their paths.
At times like this, its hard not to feel left out and lonely. Although there wasn't any reason for me to feel lonesome, yet the feeling was evident- I couldn't escape the fact. It amazes me how the mind plays tricks on you. Even more amazing, is how people can be so exclusive in their relationship with others.
I've seen many couples together. It really is interesting to see how different people cope with their relationships. Some people are dead serious, some are just fooling around. Some are overprotective, some don't care less. Most of them however, are superficial relationships. Of course, some of them are just very good friends.
Friends- I wonder what I'll do without them. I have many friends, some of them who are girls of course. We talk, we chat and we spend a great deal of time together. We're really close. However, it is particularly hard to be close friends with the opposite gender without involving the romantic aspect to a relationship (or rather, the desire to be romantic) . It has brought me to wonder "Is it possible for a people of opposite sexes to be intimate friends and remain intimate yet only as friends?".
There are a thousand reasons to believe that it is possible, or it is impossible. However, debating over the issue is not close to the heart; an intellectual arguement won't bring solutions. If yes, it'll be great. If not, it doesn't matter anyway. (does it?)
Relationships can be a really touchy subject. But there are so many questions that have been left unanswered, my question for example. The idealistic answer of course, is to have a meaningful relationship, irrespective of what level you take it to. But more often than not, we fall short of being ideal.

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This subject is one that I can't truly comment on much; I am lacking and have so much to learn. I am perplexed. Blogging about this certainly feels liberating. Hopefully someone share their opinions. That's all for now, Happy Belated Valentines..

Of all things that are beautiful..

Me and my friend were on the train back home the other day. We talked about many things; about our studies, about our friends and of course, about life itself. We came to talk about some people we knew, mostly friends from the same college. We talked about one particular person, I shall not name. A person so admirable not for the beauty on the outside, but in the inside.
She's different in many ways- she never swears, she doesn't get angry and she smiles all the time; just like a child. Maybe she's just innocent, and innocence can never be associated with beauty, for naiveity is merely lacking maturity. Most probably she is, and that's what I admire most about her- she's innocent.
When I was a little child, things were very much different from what it is now. I never used to worry, I was never afraid of people and I did things for myself (not in a selfish manner though). These days, I worry about almost everything possible. I'm afraid of people; I'm afraid I never live up to their expectations. I'm doing things do please everyone else save myself. I'm afraid of losing all my pride.
I've heard of a myth- it seems the older you get, the more horrible you'll be. Its not entirely true, but still there is some truth to it. (Apparently some of us live the myth). With age, our eyes open to the things we once never did care about. We desire to show ourselves as one approved and we do infinite things to prove our worth, albeit at the detriment of ourselves. We're no more the innocent child we once were.
Innocence has never ceased to amaze me. The more I think of it, the more I wish I had it. But the desire itself to gain innocence simply proves that I myself am not worthy of it. I know too much. Its almost as if that knowledge comes with the price of innocence. To a certain extent, it is true. The more you know, the more you're answerable to. Period.
At times, I just wish I could run away from the world to somewhere where I can be alone. There's just so much in the world that I don't want to see, yet I do. But running away doesn't solve anything. Sometimes, we just have to accept the world as it is- a crooked and depraved one. For in such a confused world only will innocence find its beauty.

Me, myself and I..

The hols were great- I had a wonderful time, relative to the dull life in KTJ. Sad to say, I could have been more productive, yet I wasn't. Chinese New Year was splendid; good food, great friends, nice relatives and ultimately of course, good money. It makes me feel so "Chinese".
My family and I went back to my parent's hometown on the second day of the new year. We left in the morning. First, we went to Taiping and visited some of my dad's brothers and sisters (my uncle and aunts). We rested a little, and proceeded to Penang after dinner. I must say that both Taiping and Penang has changed alot since last year. Now there's a highway right in front of my aunt's home in Penang.
The next day, we came back to Taiping for the reunion dinner. Its nice to see more and more of my cousins getting married. (extra income for me..) Anyway, the dinner was held in one of the more famous restaurants in Taiping. The food was great, though not the best I've ever tasted. It doesn't really matter tough; perfection never appeals to me when it comes to food.
Some of the youths from my church came to Taiping from Ipoh to join us(17 of us, icluding my siblings and me). We went to the night safari after the reunion, then we played with fire crackers. We spent alot of money on the crackers (nearly 200 ringgit) and it sure did hurt when we lit them up one by one. I came home the following day.
This week:

• I got some of my exam results back. Not bad.. Not bad at all..
• Its valentine's day today. No comments. (its hard to have any when it doesn't really involves you)
• There'll be a valentine's gathering this saturday. I'll probably be selling goodies and stuff. Wonderful way to celebrate huh? I thought so..

p/s: have you heard John Mayer's "Daughters"? I think its really cathcy, but the lyrics are a little crappy..

The Chinese dilemma...

There are a million ways to usher in the year of the cockrell. Some people play with crackers, some people make new year's resolutions, others have reunion dinners. Somehow, this year seems to be a year of unconvention for me.
After the family dinner, me and my brothers were really bored so we decided to go get some fire crackers to liven things up a little. We drove for half an hour but to no avail. So we returned home. On the way back home, we bumped into some of my old buddies at the field near my house- we decided to play basketball. We really had fun.
An hour and a half after that, an old friend called me out for supper. I thought it would be a good idea. We went to Mc Donalds at 12. I discovered that I'm not the only one who enjoys ushering the new year eating fries and drinking coke at our favourite fast food outlet. Considering the fact that it was already late, I would say that there were many people. Anyway, I had a great time chatting with my friend.
Putting aside all the fun I had, I wonder if celebrating Chinese New Year in this manner is too radical- while my other chinese counterparts are busy back at home fulfilling their racial obligations, I'm playing basketball and having supper at McDees. Is my identity being diluted by not conforming to the traditions of my forefathers? Am I being less and less "chinese" in any way? Or am I just excited to celebrate Chinese New Year without being influenced by anything "chinese"?
Possibly yes. The fact that I've never identified myself with any race has to count for something. I grew up in an english speaking family; I can't speak chinese. I spent most of my adolescence amongst malays. People think I'm Sarawakian. I just don't fit in. Maybe I'll fit in sooner or later. Maybe I won't at all. For all you know, I might be the founder of a new race- the "I'm not sure which race I am, coz I don't belong anywhere" race.
But then again, being chinese isn't about fitting in. Its like a complimentary feature that comes with the package. You don't get to choose (life never is fair). I was chinese yesterday, I am chinese today and I'll still be chinese 20 years later. I dont' have to identify with it to be one. I am one. (just a little more liberal, that's all)
Enough said about being chinese or not. It gets really confusing after sometime. For conclusion's sake, I'll just call myself a liberal chinese. And I think its good that way because I'm still getting the red packets. And as long as those red packets keep coming, I'll be more than glad to be chinese. Its my gift, and my curse.

Mc Donalds, Bandar Utama- We just can't live without it..

The orge in the pit..

Once upon a time, there was a white knight looking for adventure. He came to a village where legends told of a terrible orge in a pit. Bravely the white knight took up the challenge. He would do battle with the terrible orge in the pit. The people remembered several courageous men who had climbed down into the pit, but none of the champions returned.
The white knight stood looking at the deep dark hole. The opening was so narrow that he stripped himself of armor and all unnecessary clothing. He took only a long dagger, which he tied around his neck with a leather strap. After securing a rope at the opening and testing it's strength, he gripped it firmly and began lowering himself, hand under hand, letting the rope slip between his feet. Soon he felt the smooth cool floor of the chamber. It took several minutes for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but soon he focused on a large mound. Then he realized it was the bones of his predecessors, along with their assorted weapons. A little way off, he spotted another mound, but he wasn't sure what it was.
Suddenly, he was suprised by the inhabitant of the pit- suprised beacuse he didn't anticipate the orge would be only as tall as a rabbit. The orge raised it's arms and screeched with it's squeaky voice, trying to appear as fierce as possible. The white knight picked up a sword from the floor and prepared battle, but as quickly as a rat, the orge ran into a hole near the second mound.
The white knight followed and the second mound became clearer and again he was suprised. Before his eyes glittered balls of gold as big as grapefruit and diamonds as big as plums. With only a small part of that treasure even a commoner would be a prince for life. THe orge lost it's importance in view of this great treasure. But the knight had a problem. How would he carry it out of the hole? He had no pockets. Who would believe him if he didn't bring back at least a piece?
He suddenly had and idea. He would take one of the diamonds in his mouth and carry it all the way until he climbed out of the hole. He could always come back later for the rest. Hurriedly he chose one of the larger diamonds. It fit comfortably in his mouth and he began the ardous climb out of the pit, hand over hand, gripping the rope with his feet. Higher and higher he climbed untill the heavy exertion began to render him breathless. He would have to breathe through his mouth in order to get enough air. As he took a large gulp of air, the diamond slipped and stuck in his throat. The white knight choked on his treasure, lost consciousness and fell to his death on the mound of bones below.

You see, the terrible orge in the pit was not the little troll. It was greed; greed in the hearts of men who desire easy treasure and the hope of unearned gain. The glitter of this world choked him to death.

-author unknown-

Me, myself and I..

Its amazing how home really feels like home. Its great to be back. Chinese New Year is just round the corner; this means extra pocket money. Giving red packets really is a wonderful custom. (I wonder who came up with the idea?)
How I'll be spending my hols:

• I'll be going back to my parent's hometown in penang and taiping on thursday. I'll be coming back on saturday. Personally, I don't really feel like it but its more of an obligation than anything else.
• A week of holidays is a wonderful way to chill out from anything to do with college. I feel great. Homework, on the other hand, has to be done...

Bits and pieces of me...

Back biting is a terrible habit that seems not to dissapear with time contrary to my other childish behaviours. As a matter of fact, it gets worse day by day. When the new year started, I made myself promise that I'll never back bite. At least I tried. But the devil within me is overwhelming. I tend to back bite even with a clear conscience. So much for wanting to understand emotions and understanding the reasons to it. I guess that my resolutions don't mean anything anymore. (evil laugh in a distance...)

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Indifferent. Its the one word that would express my whole being. Nothing really seems to excite anymore. It seems as if excitement itself has lost its essence. The once so colourful life seems to be fading into specks of blurry grey. At times I feel lonley even when I stand amongst many friend. At times, I'm empty within even when I laugh and joke. My brain feels numb. Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep, or maybe I'm just a little stressed out.
In times such as these, its hard to see the abundance that life has to offer. My vision is clouded by worries that seem to be haunting me;I worry too much. I get really frustrated by the most petty things. I seem to be losing my temper more often. Life seems distant.

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I seem to be sufferring from low self esteem. Especially when it comes to math. Exams are just over and the questions were really tough (or I am really stupid). Maybe both. Math never used to be so tough. Maybe the 8 months of doing nothing prior to a-lvls is taking its toll.
I should be sit beside someone really stupid. Maybe then, I'll be able to boost my self esteem. As fate has it, The person to my right is a genious at math and on my left, is a really hardworking student- they're not helping my esteem level. The other option of course, is to work really hard at my math.

Its a tough choice. I'll probably stick to sitting beside someone dumb.